MooPig & The Babe

I should really be sleeping now. I have a 9am class tomorrow morning, or rather, in 6 hour's time, but I just can't bring myself to sleep. I don't think insomnia strikes this time. I am the one to be blamed. I'm the one who created this and I shall live with it...

He always has a special place in my heart because he's the first guy I truly loved. Not the puppy love kind. He's the first guy who held my hand. He took away my first kiss. He's the first guy whom I said 'I love you' and meant it.

Things turned sour after he left for Australia 2 years ago and we never heard from each other again. I have always hoped that he will call me so we can patch things up and probably start all over again because our break up wasn't 'official' in the sense that either of us didn't say that we wanted to break up. I realised that we seldom contacted each other. Weekly phone calls became a fortnight thing and the conversations weren't as sweet as before. I know it's kinda freaky but I dreamt that he wanted to break up with me. From then on, I just stopped contacting him and he didn't contact me. We lost contact within a few weeks after he left for Australia.

For 2 years, I've been asking the same question over and over again. Why did we break up? He never gave me the reason. He never told me he wanted to break up. Everything just went *poof*. Gone.

And I did the stupidest thing just now.

After two years,
I called him.

Yes, I called. I just picked up the phone and dialled the number. I didn't plan the conversation at all.

I can still remember his number.

He picked up the phone. I could still recognise his voice. The way he said 'Hello' was still the same.

I started to tremble.

We started talking. The whole conversation was so cold. He has changed. The way he talked was different. His accent was the worst accent I've ever heard, and I'm not being biased. It was atrocious. Terrible! Horrible! Yucks! He tried to sound businessman-ish over the phone by saying 'I'm too busy. I just don't have time to do this and that'. By the way, he's doing some e-commerce business at the moment. Before I ended the conversation, I just wished him best of luck in his business and I thanked him for the love he gave me. How very sarcastic uh?

It wasn't a good conversation at all. Lots of hiccups in between. I'm sure he was taken aback when he heard me mentioning my name. I was shivering throughout the 20 minutes conversation. The second I put down the phone, I can't help but called myself stupid. Is it worth it for me to make a fool out of myself to find the answer that I've been wanting to know for 2 years? I needed someone to talk to badly. I wanted to go to Cherry's room but she was already asleep as it was 2 something. I called a friend instead. I cried over the phone. I knew it wasn't worth it but I cried anyway. Stupid, you may call me but I needed to let out. It felt good.. Hey pal, I owe you one this time. ;)

I finally know the answer albeit it's not the answer that I've been expecting. From this moment on, you will no longer have a special place in my heart. I will no longer hope for a U-turn. I will no longer wait for you. I will forget you and our paths shall not cross again. It's too painful when I think about you. The love letters that I've been keeping all this while shall go into the bin. The photos, too, will be in the bin. The soft toys that you gave me will either go to charity or be taken by sister. The necklace and key chains that you gave will be in the box which I will never open. You've hurt me too deeply. They said first cut is the deepest. I finally understand how it feels. Time is all I need.. and you'll be forgotten.

Posted by MooPig on Friday, November 19, 2004 at 04:05 | Permalink